Lord I fall so easily
The moment I slightly fall away from staying in scripture my entire character starts to degrade and I become so antsy and anxious and discontent and knowingly crave distraction and knowingly pick worldly distraction over Bible reading because I fall for the temptation of the supposedly easier way to stop feeling all of the discontent even though it never works and I know I would be fixed immediately in time with scripture. My prayer life is doing better than usual, but that isn’t enough for my soul. I NEED to be in scripture meaningfully every day. It is VITAL for my character, it is vital to remain strong in my Christian training, to refrain from judgement and gossip and worldly desires.Reading and studying scripture in a serious way daily is so important for my soul. Without it I fear I will fall far and quickly. I see how fast I fall away when I miss just a few days, pretty soon the entire culture of my insides have changed and my clarity on life and purpose is muddy and my soul is not rested but a buzzing mess. My fears and shame and past sins become so loud it is all I hear and I start to believe it. I start to see the ugliness of my sinful flesh become more of my daily self. God I can see now... how much I need you to be a good person, what a wicked person I would become SO quickly without your guidance and wisdom daily, not only wicked but miserable. I am incapable of being a good person without you. I asked to see this, to know this, and now I do. I asked for the death of my pride as it will lead me away from you, and I see how you are teaching this to me. The discomfort of refinement. The Sword of the Spirit is a vitally important piece of armor that gives you what you need to implement the other pieces of armor. How can I put on the breastplate of righteousness if I lack the wisdom to believe I am free from my past sins because of the work of Jesus, because if I feel shame for my past sins, I have not accepted the work of the cross in my life, I do not believe in the true forgiveness it offers. How can I deny myself and take up my cross daily to follow you if I’m busy focusing on myself, why do I feel off, I want to feel better, I am ashamed of past sins etc etc etc me me me I I I. Self-centeredness can look like different things can it not? When I choose to sit and fiddle instead of picking up my Bible when I hear you calling me I am choosing a life without you, and I reap what I sow in the days following. I heard Paul Washer once explain it kind of like this:
When God is inviting you to a meeting with Him and you show up late because you aren’t
answering His call right away, you show up after He has left and all that is left is His
fragrance, imagine if you had shown up when He was fully present when He initially asked
you to join Him.
I owe God everything I am. He deserves so much more than I give Him. He deserves so much more respect and love and honor from me. If my father is calling me why wouldn’t I want to be there? Why wouldn’t I go running? If the King of the Universe, the highest power ever to exist, the most loving selfless powerful being is asking me for a personal meeting with Him, how in the world can I refuse, postpone, procrastinate? Why do I not understand the power in that invitation, why do I not understand the importance, the honor, the grandness, the promise in that invitation? Here I am back to Romans 7:14-25
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Thank God for where Paul picks up in Romans 8:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law is powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
I could continue typing the rest of Romans because it is so relevant, so true, so important. I have a note here written next to the passage above but I am not sure where it came from “If you are lacking peace, your mind is not yet fully governed by the Spirit. Turn from the desires of the flesh to find peace.”
God knew I was incapable of turning from my sin, He knew I was completely weak and incapable, and He wanted a way to spend eternity with me despite my wicked nature, so He sent His son to die an unimaginable death, in order to conquer death, so that I could be saved despite my inadequacies because He loves me. He loves me. He so so loves me. Thank you Lord.
Lord please help me to turn away from my flesh and fully surrender my mind to the Spirit. Help me to not fall away from your Word, please guide me daily, please give me the strength to answer your daily invitations and see the joy and honor and promise in them and to not be tempted by my sinful nature to choose lesser crappier meaningless things that only lead to destruction.
In Jesus’ precious name,
Amen.
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