I was really in the groove of God's peace in February of this year. I felt amazing, soaking in every single moment with my boys. Time moved slow and we read stories, laughed, played games, shared in the wonders of the world and lived life to the fullest. Then a devastating violent event occurred tens of feet away from our home, and my husband and I were very rattled with some mild PTSD, then in the midst of figuring out that aftermath, Covid officially hit big in the USA and I never got the magic back in my home. Sure I worked hard to keep the negativity and fear away from my children and make my home a bubble of comfort and joy for them, but my peace and joy was only on my face, behind the mask I was continually shaken.
Next step, I get a job, hoping to help us meet our goals and move out of this area sooner to avoid anymore events, but that was leading no where. The extra money allowing us to buy more preps and ammo but no closer to leaving the city, instead I was pulled away even more from my boys and my husband.
Next step, I quit my job seeing that I was needed 100% available at home and that moving was very unrealistic considering the economic environment. We felt that God never called us to move and we were trying to move out of fear and that is never a good reason to make such a big decision. We decided that our family was much better served making the most of our lives here and that meant me being dedicated solely to running our home and do all the things that entails.
I was so excited to finally quit my job, which I spoke about in my first podcast, I thought that as soon as I was set free from that I was ready to embrace the magic again, to make the most of every moment with my boys and be eager for the stories and the games and the quiet mornings together. Silly me... turns out I'm still a bit of a mess internally.
How can I go from months of feeling peace and so much passion about Jesus and scripture and then..nothing, Bible verses falling flat on my forehead instead of convicting my soul. Reading scripture out of obedience and knowing I need it to be okay but nothing feeling like anything but reading a textbook. I find myself fatigued and overwhelmed by the idea of even writing a schedule in my planner to try and get my life back together.
The culprit that is stunting my growth and holding me back from healing: distraction. I have been addicted to distraction my entire life as it was my #1 way to survive my traumatic childhood and the aftermath of that well into adulthood. I have had very successful seasons of being free from distraction addiction and instead feeling the slow steady movement of life and peace and very Little House on the Prairie Vibes. I don't think I realized how deeply I fell back into the pit of distraction until this week when I looked around and tried to analyze what was holding me back, why did I still feel anxious, why did I lose the peace I had the month prior.
DISTRACTION
My version of distraction looks a bit different than you might expect. I do not use social media or watch anything with gossip or drama or anything like that at all. My distraction comes in the form of learning. I don't want it to be quiet while I cook so I'll put on a documentary, and I keep it running for hours. I will watch Youtube channels about Revelations and different ideas on theology. Watch a movie on the life of great Christians in history who helped with the Reformation. I don't want to knit in silence so I stream something "good for me".
All I am doing is running.
How can I hear God speak to me and soothe my soul if there is so much noise in there? How can He calm the anxious storm if I don't even make space for Him to move other than the carved out Bible time during the day.
Why am I so uncomfortable with silence.
When I am emotionally healthy I enjoy the silence and the slowness. If I am avoiding silence, that is a clear indicator that I am not emotionally healthy.
So since I cannot seem to stop going to things that are not good for me, like streaming services, I will remove them from my environment. I removed everything except the internet, and access to the library and music from all of my devices. If I want to watch something it has to be on the tv with the boys as a group thing, not just me. I thought I would be fine with books, but today I was listening to the Left Behind series while I cooked and stuff and still feel the antsy anxious feeling in my chest as I had too much noise in my environment even though I am being mindful about what I consume.
Operation Exposure Therapy.
The only way I am willing to go is up. So that means that I will do what I fear most right now. Sit in the quiet, knit in the quiet, cook in the quiet. No books, or music, or anything until I get a hold of my life again. Until I find the magic again. Until I find God's peace again.
Until I find God's peace again.
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