God,
I feel like a moron who just can’t seem to learn the lessons I’ve been taught over and over and over and over again. I don’t know why I always think “this time, it’ll be different”. When will I just fully accept that nothing good can come out of anything in mainstream media ever again. Satan has such a strong grip on television and every show that is streamed. There is just no way around it. He has that area of the battlefield completely in his possession and it is completely foolish of me to ever think a new show may be good. Instead I am left traumatized, repentant, and wishing for the memory of the scenes I saw to be erased from my brain. Wishing I would’ve been smart last time... and then a month or two later I do it again “Oh this show looks good! And interesting! “ and I try it and bam allll over again. Stuff meant for teens and preteens at that!!! What kind of world is this?! I know it has always been this way. Before, entertainment was murdering people in public arenas, feeding people to animals in front of an audience. Humanity has always had an appetite for evil entertainment. Sick, twisted, dark, pure evil. It is so disturbing to know so many enjoy giving over their hearts and minds to pure evil for entertainment. I praise God that the Holy Spirit tugs on me hard enough that I do not continue watching and eventually turn it off when the evil is more than I feel I can bare. I do wish that feeling came much earlier though. Like before I ever even had a temptation to turn any of the programming on. It seems the only thing safe is Donna Reed, an enchanting show that I adore and makes me feel like there is someone else out there in this world like me in terms of purpose and daily life. And she is a good influence on me in a world tearing mothers away from the home and convincing mothers to stop doing housely and wifely duties. A place where a mother cherishes her role and is appreciated in it and does not spend her evenings drinking wine complaining about how hard she works but serves her family until the last moment before bed with a smile on her face. She helps me to be better each day as I sometimes strongly feel the pull of culture and how strange I am in it, living against culture can make it difficult to maintain your peace and purpose in your role at times because you tend to take on the traits of the world around you for a moment here and there. Irritated, prideful, egotistical, “I work so hard look how much I do”. That kind of stuff. Thankfully God has me in a season of refining away my pride and egotistical ways, seeing how stupid and easily led astray I am no matter how many times I learn. He is showing me that I am incapable against my sin without Him. That I wouldn’t’ have a chance without Him. It reminds me of scripture in the Bible Paul wrote that is SO accurate. Romans 7 starting at verse 14:
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is o longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want To do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself see the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Lord please help me to absorb this wisdom of Paul. Help me to see that I am helpless in the flesh and that I just need to do my best and surrender all to you. Help me to not beat myself up but to know as a reality my sinful nature and understand the I am incapable of overcoming it but am only capable of surrendering it all to you. You know we are helpless against it all and only have hope in turning to you. Because of the work of Jesus Christ you do not hold it against us but leave us in a permanent state of forgiveness because of the incomprehensible sacrifice of you and your Son. I am completely lost without you Lord and I am feeling the weight of my sinful nature right now. The confusion of it. How come I do not do what I want to do? How come I step into darkness thinking completely irrationally that this time a show will be different, or a video will be different. I’ve always been the smart one and here I am as dumb as a doorknob. I asked for humility and leaving of pride and ego and I see now what you are showing me. That I am a lost fallen sheep like the rest and without my Shepard I will wander into darkness and danger and lose my life. Making the choice to give my days and my life to you is the only decision I need to make each day, you then influence me to make good choices as a mother and a wife etc etc, but when I fall away from you even by a centimeter, that Holy Influence you have over my life fades and I am lost in the shadows, so confused and antsy, longing for the safe arms of my Savior and Shepard. Such a silly sheep, to wander off again and again knowing it only leads to the darkness away from the only light that cannot be put out. I’ve always been afraid of the dark, but here I am intrigued and curious about it, interest peaked by the thought of a great vaccine conspiratorial plot line, craving the irrelevant story so much that the first showcase of evil I fast forward through hoping that will be it for the entire series...chasing the intrigue of the plot that adds nothing to my life but interest, then the next evil comes up and I fast forward again, convincing myself once we get past the intro of the plot they will stop with all the evil and just tell the story, then I fast forward again with the same completely idiotic rationale that a 2 yr old could see the flaws in, then I finally realize at the next instance of violence that this story does not have clear good or evil characters, that this cannot be a story of the noble trying to save against all odds, that this is just about shock and intrigue and pure evil, that I have given satan another view count on Amazon Prime, showing their algorithm what people want more of. Disgusted with myself I turn it off and watch hours of Donna Reed trying to erase the evil scenes from my mind, feeling so incredibly stupid and disappointed in myself. (Though I see so clearly now that I should’ve ran to YOU instead of another show for comfort).
How could I be so stupid
How come I didn’t turn it off at the first moment of evil
How come I was willing to fast forward so many times past evil just to chase a plot that means nothing to my life
How come I am still an entertainment whore like the rest of my culture when I am supposed to be different
How could I be so stupid.... AGAIN
How could I give satan the satisfaction of another view, more popularity to a show, telling Hollywood to make more of it, how do I undo what I’ve done
How do I move on with my day without being weighed down by all of these feelings and guilt
How do I accept FULLY the forgiveness of Jesus Christ and move on
How do I no beat myself up over something God has forgiven me for.
HOW IN THE WORLD DO I STOP MYSELF FROM DOING THIS AGAIN....when I can see the pattern that I just can’t seem to learn, I can see that I am helpless in this area... Jesus how can I learn. HOW, please help me.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
It is not I who do it but the sin that dwells within me. I have the desire to do what is right but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! “
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